“All my life my heart has yearned for a thing I cannot name.” – André Breton
Have you ever felt this? That there is a space, big or small in your heart that is vacant, completely unfilled. I discovered a version of this quote in Hunter S. Thompson’s book Hell’s Angels: A Strange and Terrible Saga thirty odd years ago. Though at the time as a young man I didn’t completely understand its deeper meaning or implications. Fortunately, each passing season has provided me with the time and the space to examine different aspects of my life. At 25 I couldn’t have imagined that my “life tank” could have been any fuller, but at 55, I understand now that it could and should have been. I see the wasted moments, moments that simply escaped my notice then but come back now, not to haunt me, but to make me wonder and ask why.
I think each of us go through life with unfulfilled passions, missed opportunities, ifs and buts, could have beens or would have beens. But to have your heart yearn for something, something that you cannot even name, now that is something special to search for or drive you crazy. Imagine if you discovered it, I am sure many do. How fulfilling their life must be. But for those that don’t. Those that wake-up each morning to another day, a day they realize will be just like yesterday and tomorrow because they can’t feed that hole, that space that they cannot put into words.
I imagine Hunter S. felt this way knowing what I know about the man. It is probably the reason he attempted to fill his space with words, drugs, alcohol, guns and extreme and sometimes erratic behavior. And in the end the hole remained and sadly he decided to fill it with a bullet using age as an excuse.
“No More Games. No More Bombs. No More Walking. No More Fun. No More Swimming. 67. That is 17 years past 50. 17 more than I needed or wanted. Boring. I am always bitchy. No Fun – for anybody. 67. You are getting Greedy. Act your old age. Relax – This won’t hurt.” – The suicide note Hunter S. Thompson left for his wife
What did Hunter yearn for? Who knows, to bring justice to the world, true love, a father’s acceptance, a mother’s attention, the list could be long or very short. Whatever it was I wish that he had found it and kept writing, dying of old age at the keys of his typewriter. Hunter would have LOVED this presidential race. I am sorry he missed it.
I yearn for very little these days, the health and happiness of my children, the love of my family, another day to ride my bicycle, another day to enjoy all the simple gifts and blessings I have been granted. My heart seems full, but there should always be space for more, at least a little more.