The holiday loudmouth, yes I have one too

“Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.” – E. B. White

Oh the holiday’s are upon us. Time to eat, drink and listen to your loudmouth relative tell you everything that is wrong with the world…in their opinion. For the most part, everyone on all sides of my family are relatively commonsensical and civil but there is one, one arrogant, fat, drunk, loud, blowhard we will all have to contend with.

My wife will remind me on the drive over to just ignore him, to not let him bait me. She will note that he is an insecure, uneducated, bully redneck who thinks a civil discussion always begins with a confrontation about your stupid ideas or opinions. She will tell me that I only have to see him a couple of times a year and that I can bite my lip for an hour or three. And just think, she will add, all the stupid shit he will say tonight will give us something to laugh about later. If you didn’t know it already, I am married to a saint. Given that he was finally on the winning side of an election after eight long years, it should be a very interesting holiday gathering.

This guy is the poster child for one of Donald Trump’s in your face supporters, racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, and Islamophobic. You name the phobic, he is an equal opportunity hater. Depending on how many beers he has already started out with, our “discussion” could get ugly fast, zero to conflict in less than sixty seconds. I may not even have enough time to sit down.

He is the classic, don’t confuse me with the facts sage, this is what I know, this is what I believe, don’t ask me to support how I know it or why I believe it. His defense is simple, talk louder and over you using imaginative phrases like “You’re stupid”, “That’s the dumbest shit I have ever heard” or my favorite “They should be shot”. Yup, this guy is an intellectual giant, on par with Aristotle, Socrates and Plato all wrapped up in an empty Bud light can

What has always fascinated me about this cat is that he is married to an educated woman, a woman who comes from a very educated family. His kids, for the most part, appear to be level-headed and smart. From time to time I hear some words they utter, or some opinion they expound upon that smells like it has been infected by their father but their world is bigger than their Dad’s. Ultimately that is their Dad’s problem, he lives in a very small world, a world that only contains people who think and act as he does. He is surrounded by individuals who share his views, and who form their opinions without any facts. The hard part for me is, it’s a big group, with too many members, so it becomes very easy to see why he, they think they are right. And guess what, their man won and that is really all the proof he will need.

Yes, the holidays are upon us. Time to eat, drink and defend your vote in the presidential election. For the sake of family harmony, peace, good tidings crap and because my saintly wife lets me live in her house, I will hold my tongue. I will ignore and deflect. I will smile and pivot but mostly I will eat fast and get the hell out of there as quickly as I can.

“God gives us our relatives, thank God we can choose our friends.” – Ethel Watts Mumford

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About ends and beginnings blog

I am a frustrated writer and poet waiting to be discovered. A stand-up philosopher performing on a street corner near you. A Christian with questions but I don’t want to hear your answers. A Buddhist with a bumper sticker on my truck to prove it. A collector of quotes. A grower of lettuce. The Patron Saint of earthworms who name their children after me. A cyclist whose big ass strains the seams of his Lycra bibs. I am American by birth, Southern by the grace of God. My goal in life is to leave an imprint on the lives of the people I love not a footprint on the earth. I am a son, a husband, a father composed of 65%-Oxygen, 18%-Carbon, 10%-Hydrogen, 3%-Nitrogen, 3%-Diet Coke and 1%-Oreo.
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25 Responses to The holiday loudmouth, yes I have one too

  1. Ms. SG41 says:

    In my family, our loud mouth is my step-dad. For year I would argue against his ignorance, until I realized he just doesn’t get it. I don’t think he can. As much as I don’t agree with pretty much anything that comes out of his mouth, I still love the jerk. Now when I’m over for family dinners, I put on what I call my bull-shit reflector shield (imaginary) and try not to let it get to me. Good luck with your gatherings this year.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Omg. I think every family has one. Mine is educated and continually “toots their own horn”, commenting on how smart her kid is, her accomplishments etc … but the worst is putting other people down… I ignore and just smile and live them…realize it is what it is… I won’t stoop down to their level…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. ericstrong51 says:

    This reminds me of a Garrison Keilior article I ready many years ago. It took me a while, but I found it. It’s great as only Garrison can write. Seven Principles of a Successful Christmas. Hope the link works? http://prairiehome.publicradio.org/features/deskofgk/970908_landsend.shtml

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Suze says:

    And if you are truly blessed, sometimes you can pick a new relative. hang tough, chew each bite at least long enough to be able to swallow it and hug that wife. You can do this..you are the better man.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. samdfb1 says:

    Yikes. Hang in there. Drink loads. Yup.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. manqindi says:

    You gotta realise the merits of partial deafness: pretend you didn’t hear, pretend you heard something different, just laugh when something serious is said or frown when something funny is said …

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Nan says:

    Oh my gawd! I feel soooo sorry for you. I’ve had a few of these cross my path and walked away with a swollen tongue. I think manqindi’s suggestion is the best offered so far. Second best is to get “tanked up” before you go. Fight fire with fire. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Always got tanked up before the dinner and the loudmouth. Then, 35 years ago facing the holiday ordeal sober, I went into a panic and miraculously he died the day before. There truly is a God.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Patty says:

    You know…It is very frustrating sometimes to have an autistic dog, but for these kind of events, a great excuse to send my husband to his family and use ‘sorry, I have to stay home with our oldest dog, he has a bad day’ 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  10. This is so perfect. I’m going to share it. However, in the family I’ll be seeing for Thanksgiving, I fear I’ll be the outnumbered one. And alone – no saintly significant other to offer a pep talk. So I’ll probably bring a book and play my usual “book nerd oblivious to the world” role. I wish us all the best of luck!!

    Liked by 1 person

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