Am I special?

“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation. From the desperate city you go into the desperate country, and have to console yourself with the bravery of minks and muskrats. A stereotyped but unconscious despair is concealed even under what are called the games and amusements of mankind. There is no play in them, for this comes after work. But it is a characteristic of wisdom not to do desperate things.”― Henry David Thoreau

I would consider myself a disciple of HDT (sorry to all you JC followers). I have spent my entire life wondering if I am special or if I am living my life in “quiet desperation” as Henry David described. Honestly, I think the later.

I will make the natural assumption that to a handful of people I am “special”, to my wife (most days), my children (all days), my mother ( I am her only son), my sisters (when I remind them that I am Mother’s only son), my Dad (when he remembers that I can do no wrong at least according to my Mother). But the question remains, am I special? After 55 years I still don’t have the answer to this question.

I have expected more out of life. Progress Einstein’s Theory of Relativity? No, I don’t do big math. Answer Descartes method of doubt? I have my own. Write the sequel to Dylan’s Maggie’s Farm? I was never sure why he was working there in the first place. Let Kerouac know that I have the solution to his vision of individuality. I may be a loner but I am certainly in no position to answer the questions of the greatest loner in the world. So why am I here? As Steve Martin asked in the movie The Jerk “What is my special purpose?” I have no idea, and sadly, it seems, I am running out of time to discover it.

Maybe I am looking in the wrong places? Maybe it has been right in front me and I just haven’t discovered it, or I can’t see it. I don’t play the guitar like Keith Richards, I can’t paint like Van Gogh, and I haven’t created a prose masterpiece like Robert Frost. I guess I never will. Is it enough that I am who I am a son, a husband, a father? Or is there more?

Am I fooling myself? That I am really just a simple-minded common man, like the millions of other simple-minded common men walking the face of the earth. Standing inline with me at Starbucks. Waiting for a burger at McDonald’s. Picking our noses at the stoplight. How will I be remembered? What will be my contribution? Did I just take up space? Or did I improve the space I was gifted?

Life is funny. The questions are many, the answers are guesses, and there is never enough time to discover the truths. Let the Merlot flow. Maybe the solution can be found at the bottom of the bottle, or after the second cork I pop. Good night.

About ends and beginnings blog

I am a frustrated writer and poet waiting to be discovered. A stand-up philosopher performing on a street corner near you. A Christian with questions but I don’t want to hear your answers. A Buddhist with a bumper sticker on my truck to prove it. A collector of quotes. A grower of lettuce. The Patron Saint of earthworms who name their children after me. A cyclist whose big ass strains the seams of his Lycra bibs. I am American by birth, Southern by the grace of God. My goal in life is to leave an imprint on the lives of the people I love not a footprint on the earth. I am a son, a husband, a father composed of 65%-Oxygen, 18%-Carbon, 10%-Hydrogen, 3%-Nitrogen, 3%-Diet Coke and 1%-Oreo.
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20 Responses to Am I special?

  1. WOW and I thought I was the only man on earth burdened with those questions. Enjoy the Merlot.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. manqindi says:

    ain’t that what it is! Thank you for speaking my mind.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. manqindi says:

    Reblogged this on sillysocksonfriday and commented:
    This guy writes a lot of stuff that I think. I don’t think we are specialthough… but sometimes maybe wannabe?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. ericstrong51 says:

    That’s the age old seemingly unanswerable question; What am I? As Trinity said to Neo, “It’s the question that drives you.” Keep the question. It’s all that really matters. When you ‘think’ you have the answer it’ll slip through your fingers like smoke.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Or maybe its to be found in the work of those you have influenced along the way? The inspiration people find when they read your words, the fact that your children are alive and functioning in the world…I think there are many ways we perform our purpose but because most of us are living that purpose day to day without the bright light of fame / fortune / media recognition, we are oblivious of our impact. Eh…or maybe we do need to pop open that third bottle of wine and think on it some more ;-). Cheers.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Raise a glass of that Merlot to all us simple-minded, common men! We are the bedrock.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Patty says:

    I believe everyone is special in his own unique and special way. For me being special has nothing to do with fame, discover the next wheel, or something like that.
    However, I do ask myself regularly (if not all the time), is this all there is? Is it enough? But I want to do more, do something meaningful…
    Is it really to late at 44, or even at 55, to do something significant for this world? I think not, I hope not, but there are so many issues to tackle…were to begin?

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I think we are ALL special. The reason I think this is that by being conscious, and dealing with life, we are evolving consciousness. We are all carriers of consciousness that is learning. Everything we deal with successfully makes it easier for our children and future generations. Even if we mess up – that’s an experience that might be dealt with better, in the future. Isn’t that how evolution works? Except science cannot explain consciousness……

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t disagree with you Ms. Elizabeth, I too think we are all special. Life, itself, is special. Having watched the birth of my children many years ago still makes me reflect on just how fragile and special our existence is. But, I still wonder why? Thank you for reading and for taking the time to share your wonderful thoughts.

      Liked by 1 person

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