Dear Alabama Republicans;
Tomorrow is your big day. The day you can prove to the rest of the nation just how Godly, moral and righteous you are. The day you can exclaim that you aren’t going to let anyone, particularly the left leaning media push you around. It’s your moment to stand on the mountain top and scream that you and only you knows who the real Jesus is and show your undying and unwavering support for his Old Testament prophet Roy Moore. Read your Bible today, drink plenty of cold sweet tea, and get lots of rest because if there is a Hell, and you believe that there is, after you vote yes for Judge Moore tomorrow that is where you are headed.
I know you don’t care what I think because you know you are right. You have spoken with Jesus and He told you if the choice was between Adolf Hitler and a Democrat vote for Hitler. Sure Hitler was a “bad hombre” if you believe the history books, which I suspect you don’t, but at least he wasn’t a Democrat.
At this point your vote is about spite. You voted for Roy Moore over Luther Strange out of spite and by god you will vote for Roy Moore again despite what you know about the man deep in your heart. You simply don’t care. You would rather be right in the eyes of your neighbors. Jesus will forgive you if you get it wrong, Jesus always forgives you. That is the beauty of your faith. Screw-up, get forgiven. Screw me, get forgiven. Do something you know is wrong, get forgiven. You’re good. You have a divine get out of jail free card in your back pocket which at this point I would imagine is pretty tattered and torn. Just remember to take it out before you wash those blue jeans.
You say this world is morally corrupt, you’re damn right it is. Look at the people you have elected and support to run it. You couldn’t have picked a more morally bankrupt individual as President, the antithesis of your Lord and Savior. In my mind the only way you could justify your vote for both Trump and Moore is by ripping out every page of your Bible that has text written in red, the words of Jesus. But hey you don’t need them, you know all the verses by heart. Even if you do get one or two of them wrong here or there you always have that get out of jail free card in your back pocket. Lucky you.
So go cast your vote for Roy Moore Mr. and Mrs. Alabama Republican. Prove to the GOP establishment, The Washington Post and the rest of us Obama loving, left leaning liberals that you won’t be pushed around. Remind us again about how much you love Jesus and that a vote for Moore is a vote for God but keep that card handy and hope that it has a little magic left in it. Me personally, I am betting it doesn’t.