The rest of the Lindsey Graham story……….
Trump chooses Lindsey has his running mate for his 2020 reelection bid after God tells Mike Pence to sale everything he owns and join Franklin Graham to share the story of Jesus Christ with the heathen homosexuals in Butte, Montana (Mike thinks that is French for butt). Several months later, in an interview with The New York Times along the banks of the Big Hole River (no it was not named after Trump) and outfitted in the finest fishing gear available from Cabela’s, Mike declares Butte “purified” of the homosexual epidemic that had befallen the city and was never heard from again. It is widely assumed that he and Franklin lived happily ever after.
Unfortunately for Lindsey, in the midst of the campaign and down double digits in the polls, Trump suffered a tremendous, amazing, unbelievable stroke in September, two months before the MAGA votes were to be cast and after a billion dollar billboard advertising blitz by the Russians and the NRA. Sean Hannity said it was a stroke and Trump’s proctologist confirmed to the National Enquirer it was probably a stroke. Most of America on the other hand really couldn’t tell the difference or for that matter care.
Lindsey had missed his chance to be a number two though the majority of Americans were of the opinion that Lindsey was already the second biggest number two just under T-Rump.
The Donald went on to make an amazing, beautiful, big league recovery but was forced to file for bankruptcy after the assets of Deutsche Bank were seized by Angela Merkel and the German government. Still he was able to build his Presidential library on the grounds of Mar-a-Lago, now owned by a Russian oligarch, charging the United States government a $1,000,000 developer’s fee. Deplorable nation can get the “Trump Experience” as Ivanka likes to call the library tour for the reasonable sum of fifty dollars where you can buy corn-dogs, Big Gulps, MAGA hats, t-shirts, and Trumps new book “The Art of the Steal”.
Lindsey, without a job in the Capital for the first time in almost 30 years, packs his prom dresses, blue blazers and charcoal grey slacks and heads back Central, SC to plot his next course of action. He is determined to continue the fight to expose the Deep State conspiracy to cover-up Hillary Clinton’s emails. He owes to himself, he owes it to Trump, and most of all he owes it to Joe Deplorable in McBee, SC
Like any washed-up, white Republican Lindsey heads to Fox News but his time on the air is short lived. One Sunday morning while hosting Media Buzz Lindsey’s emotions get the best of him and he calls Hillary Clinton a “smelly old Yankee cunt”. Apparently even Deplorable Southern Baptist don’t like women-folk, any women-folk being called cunts particularly on Sunday morning right before Church. Lindsey issues a Tweet apologizing to “cunts everywhere, even Hillary Clinton” but it isn’t enough to save him.
After his unfortunate slip of the tongue, Lindsey tries his hand in the Podcast arena and even gets the Kock Brothers (not to be confused with the Koch Brothers) to sponsor him promoting their line of personal protection products (condoms) sold in the “finest truck stop restrooms from coast to coast”. What Lindsey failed to realize is that in order to actually watch a Podcast your audience needs to have some very basic technologies like a computer, an internet connection, or a phone more advance than the flipper your Mom was going to trade-in. Sadly for Lindsey his audience just wasn’t technology “there” yet or as Joe Deplorable down in McBee, SC noted “shit like that cost money man”.
So after the third episode of “But what about the emails!!” Lindsey decides to retire and move back to South Carolina taking with him the 40 cases of Kock Brothers French tickler condoms in neon green he had to buy on consignment which he sales on the weekends at the Jockey Lot.
But don’t feel too bad for Lindsey, in the next 20 years he will be living in a posh retirement center in Greenville, SC on that government pension he worked so hard to earn. He will attempt to maintain his boyish good looks wearing a man diaper under his khaki’s, with a stiffly starched blue button down, and penny loafers with no socks. The old “Queen” of the Palmetto State will begin dying his hair what we here in South Carolina refer to as Strom Thurmond brown and he will get regular injections of Botox in his brow and ass to keep it tight and just because he likes the way it feels. He may be old and wet his pants from time to time but an old “Queen” still needs to look her best when she is yelling “But what about the emails!!” to no one in-particular. The end.