I am in a war. Not a war for territory. Not a war over religion. Not a war over personal freedoms. The war I wage is over tomatoes, and the enemy, my adversary, Sciurus carolinensis the Eastern gray squirrel. Sure he looks cute and cuddly, but don’t let that innocent demeanor fool you, behind those soft black eyes is the heart of a killer….a tomato killer!
I live in an older sub-division built-in the early 1960’s. My yard and my neighborhood is blessed with mature oaks, poplars and sweet gum trees that tower overhead providing sweet canopies of shade in the summer and piles of leaves in the fall. With these old oaks come acorns and with acorns come these bushy-tailed devils who make more bushy tailed devils. Basically I am living in the middle of a squirrel orgy, no predators to speak of, plenty of food, shelter and sex. A lethal combination for my tomatoes.
I wage this war every year and have never won. My tomato plants are loaded with green plump fruit waiting for the sun to warm their skin and turn them red. I want them vine ripe, then I will pick them, slice them up thinly and place them neatly between two pieces of white bread with a coating of mayonnaise and a sprinkle of black pepper. This my friends, is the taste of heaven to a southern boy.
But I have had no juicy red tomatoes this year, I haven’t been able to beat the squirrels to the punch. I am just one man with two arms and two legs, they are an army of thousands, okay maybe not thousands, seemingly at the ready 24 hours a day to steal my juicy fruit off the vine, take two small squirrel bites and toss it away to rot in the sun. My heart breaks every afternoon when I walk through my garden gate and see the litter of green and pink tomatoes scattered on my gravel walk, honestly I cry like a baby.
You can share all the remedies you want, I have tried them all short of blowing these gray tree rats out of the branches above with a 20 gauge shotgun which one; I can’t do and two; I won’t do. I am a man of peace, but I am also a man who loves tomato sandwiches. I am engaged in a war that I can never win and sadly it is because the enemy, my enemy is smarter and cuter than I am.
Last year we had a little guy who did the same thing to my tomato plants. I would wake up every morning to a half eaten tomato sitting on my courtyard wall…caught him in the act! Little bandit.
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Ms. Dawn, I am having to buy tomatoes which is sin in the south this time of year. Any southern man worth his salt should be able to provide his family with tomatoes this time of year. Hope you are doing well.
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Oh no! Your gonna have to invest in a really expensive hydroponic system and grow tomatoes in your new tomato shed. Make sure to put out a sign that says no squirrels allowed! That will teach him! I am doing well, getting ready to head out camping for a week. I am excited. Hope you are also well.
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Have fun, be safe.
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If you can’t beat them, trick them! I know it might be encouraging their devilish behavior, but maybe you could place other food out for them in other places(but not next to your tomato plants)?
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Tried it I have corn cobs scattered around my yard. Like I said they are smarter than I am 🙂
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They not smarter, they are more scheming! lol There is a difference! 🙂
They know good food, and will go to any lengths to get it! Bet they’re making tomato sandwiches themselves everyday for lunch while looking down their noses at those cobs of corn! 🙂
My battle this year has been with the birds and my blueberry bushes! I’ve yet to get one measly blueberry! Netting hasn’t even helped secure them!
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I am going to net tonight, which hasn’t helped in the past but will make me feel better that I am at least trying to do something rather than admitting defeat.
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Get you a cat! 🙂 That will give the squirrels lots to chatter about! 😉 Plus it will give you lots of entertainment!
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Got one and two dogs. I am telling you they are smart, SMART!
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lol! This would make a great short story from the squirrels perspective!
Good luck with the netting! I do hope you get to enjoy the fruits of your labor this summer. Only us Southerners can truly understand and appreciate the delicacy that a homegrown tomato sandwich actually is! (except maybe the squirrel! 😉 lol)
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I tell you, I feel like less of a man because I can’t put tomatoes on the table for my family. It is a disgrace. I may have to turn in my man card.
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Ha! I think it takes more than not being able to provide tomatoes to revoke ‘the’ man card! 😉
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Did the net help?? Or did you just trap an angry squirrel!? 😀
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So far so good, the problem, I have also “netted” myself out of them 🙂
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You wrapped them up good!
Keeping my fingers crossed for you and your ‘man’ card! lol 😉
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Yea well I am going to ride my bicycle 30 miles today in 100 degree temps, I can probably keep the card one more day 🙂
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Ick! The temperature and humidity is unbelievable isn’t it!? I think, and it is just my opinion, that if you ride 30 miles today in these conditions that you should be able to keep the card at least through the end of 2016!
I’m sure the He-man-woman-haters Club bylaws might say differently! 😉 lol
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As the father of daughters I was kicked out of the He-man-woman-haters club years ago 🙂
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😀 lol
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Which part of the sunny south do you live?
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I’m in North Carolina, you?
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Right below you SC, though I lived and grew up in Charlotte.
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🙂 We’re neighbors! lol
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Yup, will be up in the mountains over the 4th. Hoping for cooler temps.
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It’s been so up and down this June! This past weekend it was mid 70’s today it is 99… I hope you have fun! The 4th at Lake Lure is so fun! That community is fantastic, but then again Asheville 4th celebrations are fun too! 🙂
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Like Lake Lure a lot, IF (notice big IF) I win the lottery or get a million dollar book contract (another big IF) I will buy a house there. Wife and I travel up and around there on Sundays to Brevard, H’ville and A’ville to sample the food and beers. My family has a house in the Boone area so that’s where we head to for the holiday.
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Oh, you’ll basically be in my backyard! And you never know when those ‘IF’s’ can come knocking! 😉
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The doors open, I am running out of daylight 🙂
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You’re never suppose to admit to it! 🙂
But hey that, is a great one liner… you should coin it!
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Got it on a line of t-shirts and hats 🙂
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You should! 🙂 With a picture of a old fashioned screen door!
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Good idea!
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Lol.
Poor soul you! Interesting how this is back to back with my fathers mention yesterday. His idea to purchase a pellet gun ( he WAS a peace pro animal guy ) to knock the squirrels off the bird feeder. For the first hour they are burstling and spraying and having a dance at their food party which NOONE else is invited to and when they leave, seeds are scattered and open and birdies look on in disapointment and hungry bellys!
ALSO at the talk of my Pops, he LOVES his tomatoe sandwiches too and makes them exactly as you do. ( i haven’t heard of any other ways to make the traditional )
Oh what shall we do with such problems eh!
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Cry!!!!
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I would if I knew for certain those dang squirrels wouldn’t steal my tears!!!
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🙂
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I hear they taste like chicken.
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No, trust me they taste like squirrel.
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Also:
http://williamatell.wordpress.com/2016/06/20/americas-silent-menace/
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Their ilk have taken my strawberry plants and corn stalks this year. I feel your pain.
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Little rascals. Thank you for reading.
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I’m so happy with my greenhouse!
Lost 60 plants one year due to a plague brought by rain. It hurts 😉
And yes, I agree…squirrel tastes likes squirrel…lol
ps. I challenged you: https://kruidroermenietje.wordpress.com/2016/06/23/quote-challenge-adventure/
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When I was a young and blood thirsty youth my grandfather and I went hunting for squirrels for his infamous squirrel stew. The day was cold, so when the warm bodies of the dead squirrels in the back of my hunting jacket turned cold, the fleas started looking for a warm body to jump on to…..mine. A not so fun memory, and an awful tasting stew.
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LOL…o no…it isn’t funny..oops!
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Give up. You’ll never beat a squirrel-grow aubergines instead.
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Never giving up, NEVER!
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Have you tried putting fake snakes on your tomato plants? I’ve had luck with that.
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Nope but I will tomorrow, thank you!
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Hope it works for you.
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